What’s your love language: The Five Love Languages in the Everyday Roles of Women

A few months after Big Mike proposed to me, one of my dearest friends and pastors, Chester, who was going to officiate our wedding ceremony, suggested I read the “Five Love Languages.” Dr. Gary Chapman introduced this book decades ago, and since then, understanding our love languages has helped countless couples, parents, co-workers, friends, and families better understand themselves and one another. I had never read this book, nor had I ever heard of “love languages”; however, WOW, this book opened my eyes to the WAY I LOVE AND NEED TO BE LOVED when interacting with people. It’s a book that truly transformed my thinking. 

Initially, I assumed that the “Five Love Languages” was about romance. Geez, was I wrong. Love languages show up everywhere—in our careers, at our supper tables, in the carpool line, at football games, in text messages to our children, and even in the way we interact with God.

Like yourself, I carry many titles: wife, mom, daughter, aunt, sister, godmother, friend, boss, co-worker, volunteer, and fanatical lover of Dolly Parton. No matter our place in life, we more than likely shift hats daily, often by the hour. And the way we give and receive love—the way we are wired—affects how we live out each of those roles.

Let’s take a look at the five love languages and explore how they might shape our responses in the everyday relationships God has entrusted to us.

1. Words of Affirmation

“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” – Proverbs 16:24

If words are your love language, you don’t just want a thank you. You want it in writing, signed, notarized, and maybe stitched on a throw pillow. Otherwise, you’ll be wondering if it is sincere.

As a Wife: You may long to hear your husband say, “I love you,” or “I notice how hard you’re working.” When those words don’t come, it can sting deeply. But it also means you’re likely generous with encouragement toward him—cheering on his efforts, telling him you’re thankful for all he does, and are probably his biggest cheerleader. 

As a Mother: Your children may not always notice how many meals you cook, diapers you change, or rides you give. But when they say “Thanks, Mom” or write you a homemade note, it fills your heart. You, in turn, are often the mom whispering encouragement before the big test or reminding your child, “I believe in you.”

As a Grandmother or Aunt: Words flow from you easily—“I’m proud of you, sweetheart,” or “You’re such a blessing to me.” Your nieces, nephews, and grandchildren may treasure the way you speak life into them.

As a Friend: You might be the one who sends a quick text to a friend to remind her she’s a great mom despite the fact she’s in tears because she threw the omelet pan at her 16-year-old because he was trying to shoot a squirrel from the kitchen window with a BB gun. Your words of blessing lift spirits and often come at just the right time.

2. Acts of Service

“Serve one another humbly in love.” – Galatians 5:13

If acts of service is your love language, forget flowers—show me a husband with a mop in his hand and I’ll show you romance. For some women, love is best expressed not through words but through actions. Cooking dinner, folding laundry, fixing a leaky sink, or even bringing someone a cup of coffee can feel like love in motion.

As a Wife: You may show love to your husband by keeping the home running smoothly or you may send him and his buddies off with steak and egg biscuits at 4 am when dove season opens. When he unloads the dishwasher without being asked, you feel more seen than if he brought you flowers.

As a Mother: Acts of service come naturally—you’re always tying shoes, packing lunches, making late-night brownies for the science fair. But here’s the key: when your kids offer to help you—raking leaves, vacuuming, or washing the car—it means the world. It’s not about the chore itself, but about their willingness to lighten your load.

As a Grandmother or Aunt: You’re often the first to bring a casserole after surgery or to babysit a tired mom’s kids. It’s your instinct to show love by stepping in, even when you aren’t asked.

As a Friend: You’re the first to show up with soup when someone is sick, to babysit so she can get a break, or to help set up for a baby shower. For you, friendship is proven by stepping in and making life a little easier.

3. Receiving Gifts

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father…” – James 1:17

We don’t just give gifts—we show up with a king cake, a pot of red beans, and a 6 pack of Barq’s Root Beer. Try explaining that love language to somebody up North.

For some, love is best understood through thoughtful tokens. This isn’t about materialism—it’s about the meaning behind the gift. A handmade card from your child or a small surprise from your husband says, “I was thinking of you.”

As a Wife: A surprise bouquet or a thoughtful book from your husband makes you feel treasured. It’s not the price tag—it’s the intentionality. You, in turn, may show love through little gestures: slipping his favorite candy bar into his work bag or leaving a small note with his coffee.

As a Mother: When your child gives you a scribbled drawing or picks wildflowers from the yard, your heart soars. You may also enjoy giving small surprises—treating them to ice cream after practice or putting little gifts in their lunchbox.

As a Grandmother or Aunt: You may love choosing the perfect Christmas present or sending care packages to a college niece. For you, it’s about seeing joy in their faces when they realize you thought of them.

As a Friend: You might drop off her favorite coffee on a hard day or bring back a small souvenir when you travel. You aren’t trying to impress—you’re simply saying, “I thought of you.” These gestures help your friends feel loved and remembered.

4. Quality Time

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” – Psalm 90:12

Down here in New Orleans, we can turn any gathering into quality time. What was supposed to be a quick drop-off becomes a three-hour visit, complete with iced tea or an old-fashioned and somebody pulling out photo albums.

If this is your love language, what you want most is someone’s undivided attention. Shared moments matter more to you than any gift.

As a Wife: Date nights, long walks, or even watching a movie together without distractions mean more than expensive jewelry. When your husband sets aside time to just be with you, you feel deeply loved.

As a Mother: You may feel most connected to your children when you’re doing puzzles together, baking cookies, or just sitting on the porch talking. You don’t crave perfection—you crave presence.

As a Grandmother or Aunt: Time is your gift. You’d rather spend an afternoon making memories than giving things. Playing board games, taking them fishing, or reading books together brings you joy.

As a Friend: What matters most to you is togetherness. You love long coffee dates, sitting on the porch chatting, or road trips with your best friend. Presence matters more than presents.

5. Physical Touch

“They brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them… and he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.” – Mark 10:13,16

You’re probably that friend who hugs everybody at church whether they’re ready for it or not. Not everyone wants a big ol’ bear hug in the Winn-Dixie checkout line, but bless it, you gave them one anyway.

Some women feel most loved through hugs, hand-holding, or simple physical closeness. This love language is often misunderstood, but it’s profoundly biblical—God designed us for touch.

As a Wife: A hug after a long day or your husband reaching for your hand in church communicates love more than words or gifts ever could. Michael often takes my hand to hold when our pastor starts his sermon on Sundays. I never knew I enjoyed handholding, but it is a small moment that has become so special and precious to me. Intimacy isn’t only about romance—it’s about the safety of touch.

As a Mother: You naturally express love with kisses on scraped knees, snuggles at bedtime, or rocking a baby to sleep. As children grow, a hand on the shoulder or a warm hug before they leave for school carries deep meaning.

As a Grandmother or Aunt: Your grandchildren and nieces may remember most the way you held them close, braided their hair, or let them sit in your lap. Your touch is a comfort, a reminder of God’s embrace. One of my cousins could never go to sleep at Granny’s house unless Granny rubbed their back until they fell asleep. 

As a Friend: You’re the one who hugs hello and goodbye, squeezes a hand during prayer, or curls up on the couch next to your best friend to watch a movie. Your touch says, “I’m here. You’re safe. You’re loved.”

Quick Self-Check: Your Giving vs. Receiving Love Language

Most of us have a natural way we give love and a different way we receive it. Sometimes they match, sometimes they don’t — and that’s okay! These guides can help you figure out both.

Your Giving Love Language

Think about how you usually show love to the people around you:

• Words of Affirmation: You text encouragement, write long birthday notes, or speak blessings often. (Your words are honey and you know how to pour them out generously.)

• Acts of Service: You bring casseroles, watch people’s pets, drop off smoothies at carpool, or step in to “just handle it.” (Love in the South often comes baked in a casserole dish.)

• Gifts: You tuck goodies into lunchboxes, send care packages, or grab small surprises when you’re out. (Even a bag of Zapp’s chips can say “I thought of you.”)

• Quality Time: You plan porch visits, coffee dates, or linger on the phone. (“Pull up a chair, my cher” is practically your ministry motto.)

• Physical Touch: You hug everyone at church, snuggle the kids, or hold a friend’s hand during prayer. (Your hugs are legendary — and slightly bone-crushing.)

Your Receiving Love Language

Now, think about what makes you feel most loved and cherished:

• Words of Affirmation: Compliments, encouragement, and “I’m proud of you” refill your soul. (You don’t just want a thank you — you want it monogrammed on a hand towel.)

• Acts of Service: You feel seen when someone takes care of a task for you — filling the car with gas, folding laundry, or unloading the dishwasher. (Romance is a man vacuuming the living room.)

• Gifts: Thoughtful tokens mean the world — whether it’s flowers from the grocery store or a grandchild’s drawing. (It’s not the thing, it’s the thought that melts your heart.)

• Quality Time: You crave undivided attention. A slow walk, a porch chat, or just sitting together means more than diamonds. (Presence over presents, every time.)

• Physical Touch: You feel most secure through hugs, hand-holding, and closeness. (When your grandbaby curls up in your lap, the whole world feels right.)

💡 Takeaway: Pay attention to both sides. Sometimes we give love one way but receive it another — and learning that difference can change the way we relate to husbands, kids, grandkids, and friends.

The Shadow Side of Love Languages

Every love language is a gift. But each one has a shadow side — a toxic trait that can sneak in if we aren’t careful. Knowing that area of caution helps us love better without slipping into unhealthy patterns.

• Words of Affirmation: The danger is becoming overly dependent on praise. When others don’t notice your efforts, you may feel crushed. But your worth is anchored in Christ’s words, not anyone else’s.

• Acts of Service: The danger is sliding into martyrdom or extreme independence. You do everything for everyone but refuse to receive help. Furthermore, when people do offer to help, the response is, “No, I’m good. I’m good”, as you haul 22 meals on wheels while sewing a button on the 3^rd Halloween outfit your son has changed his mind on at the stop lights, and cutting the crafts for the Halloween party in your car one hour before the party starts. Y’all, EVEN Jesus allowed others to minister to Him — so it’s holy to let someone lighten your load.

• Receiving Gifts: The danger is confusing love with materialism. You may start keeping score or expecting proof of love through things. Remember: it’s the thought that counts.

• Quality Time: The danger is becoming possessive of people’s time or feeling rejected when schedules don’t align. Love gives grace, even when the moments are short.

• Physical Touch: The danger is equating touch with worth or crossing boundaries. Not everyone receives touch the same way. Let God’s promise of His nearness anchor your security.

WHAT’S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE? Do you think you know mine? I feel my giving and receiving love languages are the same. Now, let’s just stop right here and disclose that perceptions of ourselves sometimes differ from those of others’ perceptions of us, and that’s okay. Nonetheless, my love language is hands down “ACTS OF SERVICE”. It blesses my heart beyond description to travel to Romania, Ukraine, Tanzania, and Argentina to play Candyland with orphaned children, help build wells, or become a sounding board for a sex trafficked 17 year who has just had a baby, it makes my soul smile when my friend is chairing the gala and I drop food off at her house the night before so it’s one less think she has to concern herself with, it makes me feel so privileged that when one of my dearest friends in my life is having surgery and I can walk into the hospital and wait with their family for 9 hours until they are in ICU safe and sound. I want nothing in return. I want to serve. I want to be a part of. It is my spiritual gift and ability, and I’m grateful to God for it. It’s a gift that both of my parents had, and it is where I SAW serving firsthand, and I fell in love with how it made me feel. 

My receiving side of love is also “ACTS OF SERVICE”. My husband puts gas in my car so I don’t have to, does the laundry, builds me my very own craft, costume, and wig room in one of our warehouses, and makes sure I’m never out of the water I like from Sam’s… these are various ways he shows his love for me. Or, when my father passed away, and my friends planned everything… flowers, food, corsages for pallbearers, breakfast and lunches for out-of-town guests… all while I sat crushed, heartbroken, overwhelmed, and lost. I never needed them to tell me they love me and are here for me during this horrific time. They showed me. 

My daughter is similar. She loves helping others and making one’s day a little better via ACTS OF SERVICE. She recently returned from Colorado, where her friend had given birth to a baby girl. Emily, while celebrating a beautiful, new baby girl, cooked meals, froze meals, and did errands to help her friend who is transitioning into the role of “mommy”.  All the men in my home, Big Mike, Greyson, and John Michael, are WORDS OF AFFIRMATION and PHYSICAL TOUCH. John Michael’s godmother, Nancy, has a love language of PHYSICAL TOUCH. She loves to hug in times of joy and hold your hand in times of sadness. She is the only woman I know who can walk around all the parks of Disney for five days straight and hold John Michael’s sweaty, rail-touching, germ-infested Guardians of the Galaxy hand. She recognizes his need for physical touch because it is hers.  My mother’s giving language is ACTS OF SERVICE, while her receiving language is RECEIVING GIFTS. My niece’s giving language is QUALITY TIME, while her receiving language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. There is no wrong. There is no right. 

As women, we are the leading actresses in many roles and the supporting actresses in even more, but at the center of them all is love. When we understand how God has uniquely designed us—and those we love—we’re better equipped to build homes, families, careers, memories, future generations, communities, and friendships that reflect His heart.

Remember: love is not one-size-fits-all. But love is always worth the effort. And when we lean on the Holy Spirit, He equips us to love our spouses, children, grandchildren, siblings, friends, co-workers, in-laws, and neighbors in ways that go beyond our own preferences.

At the end of the day, our true love language is the cross. Jesus showed us the fullness of love by laying down His life. Every hug, every encouraging word, every casserole, every conversation, every thoughtful gift—when rooted in Him—becomes a reflection of that great love.

So whether you’re rocking a baby, listening to a teenager’s worries, cheering at a ballgame, sitting quietly with your husband, signing up for the jambalaya cookoff, volunteering for the school fundraiser, or holding the hand of an aging parent, know this: you are speaking love.               And love is most certainly the greatest language of all.

Thank you for your time. I know it is extremely valuable, and I appreciate you sharing it with me. Be strong. Be brave. Be Kind. And, let everything you do be done in love. 

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