CAN YOU IMAGINE A GEN X PRESIDENT?

🎸 Introduction: The Middle Child Finally Snaps

America has been led by Boomers forever. Millennials are still figuring out how to pay rent. Meanwhile, Gen X has been chilling in the background, drinking RC Cola, tight-rolling their acid-wash jeans, and muttering, “whatever.”

But what if—just once—Gen X grabbed the Oval Office?

👉 A Gen X president would be the worst idea in history… and the funniest political ride you’ve ever seen.

🌀 The Campaign: Vote for Me… or Don’t, Whatever

Forget glossy slogans. Gen X’s campaign would be fueled by sarcasm and apathy:

• “Vote Gen X: Survived The Oregon Trail, Can Definitely Survive Washington.”

• “Gen X 2028: At Least We’re Not Boomers.”

• “Vote for Me… or Don’t. Whatever.”

Campaign buses? Not sleek and polished. Beat-up VW vans, Chryslers, and Mini Vans covered in bumper stickers and Beavis & Butt-Head decals.

Instead of kissing babies, the candidate would hand out Stretch Arm Strongs and Cabbage Patch Kids with official adoption certificates. Because nothing says “policy platform” like childhood nostalgia.

🎤 The Inauguration: Smells Like Teen Spirit

No marching bands. No pomp. Instead:

• Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name” rattles the Capitol dome.

• Confetti cannons fire tight-rolled acid-wash jeans into the crowd.

• The oath of office is sworn on a Sears Catalog, not a Bible.

👉 The new president steps to the mic: “A Gen X president? OUR PARENTS LITERALLY HAD TO BE REMINDED BY THE 10 o’clock NEWS TO MAKE SURE WE WERE IN THE HOUSE. You don’t even know how resilient that makes someone. And don’t you want a leader who is resilient?”

🕶️ The Oval Office: Mall Arcade Meets Lava Lamp

The White House makeover includes:

• A lava lamp glowing on the Resolute Desk.

• Rubix cubes handed out during Cabinet meetings.

• A 24/7 feed of The Price Is Right playing in the background. (“Come on down, Secretary of Defense!”)

• The Lincoln Bedroom converted into a mall arcade with Pac-Man and claw machines full of Evil Knievels and Care Bears.

 👉 “Forget mahogany desks. Gen X would govern, surrounded by Atari, with nonstop access to Space Invaders and CHIPS action figures. A picture of J.R. EWING would replace President Washington.”

🎸 Cabinet and White House Staff of Chaos:                                         Gen X All-Stars

A Gen X president wouldn’t pick career politicians. Nope — the Cabinet would look like this:

• Vice President: Snoop Dogg – because the country needs snacks and chill vibes.

• Chief of Staff: Alex P. Keaton… is there a better Gen Xer for this job? I think NOT!

• Secretary of Defense: GI JOE -  This is not even a question. 

• Press Secretary: Al Bundy – brutally honest, endlessly miserable, and hilariously blunt.

• Secretary of State: Bart Simpson – diplomatic strategy = prank calls.                        Motto: “President Putin, EAT MY SHORTS!”

• White House Social Secretary: Molly Ringwald – every foreign dinner ends in a prom dance.

• Attorney General: JR Ewing - no explanation needed.

• Director of the FBI: Dave Grohl- witnesses and informants gladly trade information for private drum solos

• Secretary of Homeland Security: John Rambo- y’all, we literally grew up with Rambo and Reagan… no wonder we’re the way we are.

• Director of Education: Assistant Principal Richard Vernon- every student serves Saturday detention until morale improves. His budget plan? Cut costs by replacing textbooks with handwritten apologies.

• Secretary of Transportation: Doc Brown will definitely take us “Back In Time”

• Secretary of Veterans Affairs: The A Team

• Secretary of Labor: Norm Peterson – who better knows the perspective of the working man from his barstool than Norm?

• Secretary of Commerce: Gordon Gekko – Gen Xers were raised on “GREED IS GOOD”

• Secretary of the Treasury: Ferris Bueller- Economics? He literally hacked the school’s attendance system — he can handle the Fed. Plus, there would be a lot of meetings held at Wrigley Field!

• Secretary of Health and Human Services: I mean… I’ll say it, but there is no need to even have to… DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D.

• Secretary of Agriculture: Pa Ingalls… the man literally was able to grow anything!

• Director of National Intelligence: NYPD Officer John McClane… lots of explosions while yelling “Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. President!”

And yes, Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will perform at every new mall opening, because malls are back, baby.

🌀 Foreign Policy: The Oregon Trail Doctrine

Forget summits. International disputes will be decided on The Oregon Trail game.

• “You’ve died of dysentery” = official diplomatic insult.

• All treaties negotiated during buffalo hunts.

• NATO meetings include mandatory wagon circling.

Pull Quote 👉 “Gen X diplomacy: less paperwork, more pixelated oxen.”

🎬 Domestic Policy: Whatever Works

• Department of Health & Human Services: Official policy = “Go see Grandma, drink 7Up, eat Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup, and watch The Price Is Right, The Young and The Restless, and Judge Wapner... you’ll be fine.”

• Department of Commerce: Bring back malls. Bigger. Better. Flashier. And, we’re FINALLY bringing back BLOCKBUSTERS!

• Economy: Stimulus checks issued in the form of Sears Catalog gift certificates and a coupon for Orange Julius.

• Education: Practical skills required — blowing on Nintendo cartridges, tight-rolling jeans, mastering The $10,000 Pyramid, assembling your Easy Bake Oven, and the final project is your prom dress,  in which 75% must be made from your very own Bedazzler.

📖 Department of War: Fight Club Rules

The Pentagon? Renamed The Basement. The new war manual? Straight from Fight Club.

1. You do not talk about the Department of War.

2. You DO NOT talk about the Department of War.

3. If someone yells “Whatever,” the fight is over.

4. Two nations per conflict—unless Canada wants in.

5. Wars end when someone has to clock in at Blockbuster.

6. New recruits bring Dunkaroos and Kool Aid.

👖 Fashion Revolution: The Flannel Curtain

Say goodbye to stiff suits. Gen X dress code includes:

• Flannel Fridays (mandatory).

• Doc Martens with every outfit.

• Tight-rolled acid-wash jeans as formal wear.

• Scrunchies and Hypercolor shirts = business casual.

Pull Quote 👉 “Congress in Doc Martens and tight-rolled jeans: the bipartisan unity we never knew we needed.”

🎶 State of the Union: MTV Unplugged Edition

The annual address becomes a rock concert:

• Pearl Jam opens with “Alive.”

• Green Day follows with “Basket Case.”

• Public Enemy closes with “Fight the Power.”

The president mutters: “We’re screwed, but at least the music’s good.” Drops the mic. Leaves.

😂 Why It Would Be a Disaster (and Hilarious)

• Diplomats storm out after being told their suits “look like Sears clearance rack.”

• FEMA delayed because the president’s binge-watching Twin Peaks.

• Social Security funds reallocated to produce Cabbage Patch Kids for every household.

• Boone’s Strawberry Hill is the official wine of the White House.

🌍 Why America Might Secretly Love It

And yet… maybe this is what we need: leaders who survived dial-up, mall culture, and The Oregon Trail. Leaders who are blunt, funny, and unfiltered.

👉 “They say a Gen X president would be the worst idea in history. But maybe—just maybe—that’s exactly why it would work.”

🎤 Final Mic Drop

Picture it: a Gen X president in flannel, blasting Nirvana on Air Force One, with Al Bundy roasting the press corps and Bart Simpson running foreign policy. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson are headlining mall re-openings.

It would be chaotic. It would be nostalgic. It would be hilarious.

And you’d watch every second.

Thank you for your time. It is extremely valuable, and I sincerely appreciate you sharing it with me. Be strong. Be brave. Be kind. Never be afraid to GREAUX.